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 deaths design

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RyGar
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Join date : 2010-09-07

PostSubject: deaths design   Thu Sep 30, 2010 1:35 pm

one of my latest pieces as i dont try to rhyme anymore and hadnt written in like 2 years - so excuse the rubbish lines - hopefully some have turned out ok lol

life or death determined by a type of strength
an im bound to BLOW up with my final BREATH
getting FUCKED BY THE SYSTEM - like CYBERSEX
arise from bed and see violent crime in every kind of press
im a wreck - havoc caused while my eyes detect
the lies - got me SPINNING AROUND like KYLIES BREASTS
rhyming 'vets' get sliced like bread
designed to survive - i STRING IT OUT on a SPIDERS WEB
blood dripping down like spray paint on a pikeys bench
were chosen to go when ever the outsiders have said
thats the SIGNATURE MOVE - i must be SIGNING A CHEQUE
am i dying? theres no sign of it yet
thats because i must be dead - well the left side of me yes
cos the right is wrong - the design of my mind is a mess
Ninja Assassin like my hearts on the other side of my chest
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RyGar
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PostSubject: Re: deaths design   Thu Oct 07, 2010 8:13 pm

any crits?
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Supreme
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Age : 27
Location : Babylon

PostSubject: Re: deaths design   Fri Oct 08, 2010 12:59 am

Yeah it was kool still, some good idea's, i think some lines could have been reworded/thought out to make them hit harder like the blow up and signature move line. Looks like you knew whats what and had some skill though, why did you stop?

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